Neighbours, what are they good for?

There are quite a few things that I could do without in life, such as mosquitoes, hay-fever, hip-pop music or… neighbours.

Not many people are lucky enough not to have them and actually if you want to determine if someone is rich or not, you should count the number of neighbours he or she may have. Trust me on this: proper rich people do not have neighbours. Take Bill Gates, for example, he is trying to save Africa from malaria but the first thing he did when he got some money in his pocket was to buy out all his neighbours. I wonder what would happen if all these chaps he is saving in Africa one day leave their countries and go living next to him… He will not be too pleased I guess.

I am not a proper rich, or even a wannabe one, in fact I do have my fair share of neighbours. Although I cannot complain, my neighbours are such gentlemen. One of them, last Sunday morning, threw a chicken leg out of his window down onto my kitchen roof. This is the same gentleman who the week before threw not one but six tea bags again on the top of my kitchen roof, plus uncountable cigarettes butts. He is either does not have a rubbish bin or he thinks that, by having a garden I am a capitalist bourgeois exploiting unlucky people like him without one. In fact the opposite is true, he is exploiting me considering that he is living on benefits, and benefits are paid by taxes collected from taxpayers like me. He should be grateful he is living in such a caring society that caters for unemployable people like him.

The throwing by such gentleman is nevertheless not as annoying as the loud music he plays occasionally. The music is sometimes so loud that I can tell you which song he is playing and the music is so full of beats that it seems like the Germans are running the Blitz again.

But in rescue of me there is always the Southwark council. Oh yes, the brave council workers whose skills and knowledge are always at the citizen’s service!

Every time in fact I report a loud noise they take their time to come around and when they arrive, they always come up with a different excuse not to deal with the situation. One time that I called them they said, "oh well the noise is not directly above you, sorry mate". Thank God it was not above me or otherwise I would have to shout to talk to the council rep, and if my next door neighbour is too deaf too hear (or too Englishman to make a complaint), it is not my fault.

Another time I called the council at 9:00 on a Saturday morning, but because the noise was not affecting much the living room downstairs the council rep could not help. He said you are allowed to make noise from 7:30 on a Saturday morning unless the noise is affecting the living room! This means that, if I want to lie in bed on a Saturday morning, I cannot, and this also means I am going to move the bloody living room upstairs, so the next time council people come around they will have to come up with another bloody excuse.

Last time I called the council it was in the evening and the music was loud again. This time instead of coming and reporting the accident, the council rep went straight talking to this gentleman and asked him politely to turn the music down. That was good, for once, but then a few days later the council sent me a letter saying that they could not assess the noise level because by the time they arrived to my flat the noise had ceased… of course the bloody noise had ceased, they went and told the guy to put the noise down, didn’t they? If they had come to me first, they would have heard the noise!

I swear to God that if one day I ever become rich, I will follow the example of Bill Gates.
Save Africa? No, buy out the neighbours.